content warning (cw): descriptions of diaspora, racial identity, multiracial experiences, abandonment/loneliness, mention of abuse, body horror mention
as a multracial student of color, i’m very confused a lot of the time, and it’s hard to feel like i fit in, especially in my ethnic communities and the diaspora*. i’m mexican and pilipinx**, as well as white, but with my skin i can’t really claim that (and i don’t want to, but it’s not something i can deny at the same time. it’s a lot). in both communties i feel isolated, like i can’t find a way to fit in; for mexican folks, i’m too asian—for filipino/pilipino folks, i’m too latinx. for both communities, i feel very alone because i wasn’t given access to my cultural traditions and practices because much of my family is white or mixed with white, and for many reasons we didn’t talk about race, or ethnicity, or anything. i’ve learned a lot of my cultural backgrounds alone, away from my family, because they either don’t realize they’re people of color too, or they don’t care. i might also be thinking about that wrong, but i think i’ve been so alone in this experience of being mixed for so long that i’m not in a place to be understanding of what they think or feel. as a result of that, though, when i approach these communities or find other people who are full mexican or full pilipino/filipino, i freeze up because i don’t feel like i’m enough
enough
enough is the best word for it.
where are you from?
what are you?
how can i dissect
your entire self
piece by piece
limb from limb
with just one look at
your face?
one glance
of the eyes
over your heart
that lies
heavy in your chest
on your sleeve?
where are your parent’s from?
did they grow up in
(insert city) here in (insert country) here?
how can you not know?
aren’t they
your family?
how?
when you look asian
one moment
and latinx
the next?
oh, you’re pilipino?
have your ever visited family in the phillipines?
what?
your grandpa died when you were too young
and your mom is mixed
and you never got to learn
about being pilipino?
that sucks
sorry, i don’t think you
are pilipino.
if you can’t tell me
what kind of pilipino
you are
then you don’t
belong.
oh, ¿hablas español?
eres mexicana?
no entiendes por qué
tu no entiendes hablar español
fluidamente.
your dad abused your mom
and ran away from your family
ran away from his responsibility
to raise you
to teach you
and see you grow into the blossoming of your
culture?
lo siento, no es mexicana.
but i am!
i am these things!
please believe me!
i’m learning!
i was denied my right to
my culture
and i am denied
access
to my community
to top of that unique as fuck experience of
living
the diaspora.
what a wonderful way to spend my life.
in isolation
for things that i will
battle
constantly
with the vague memories of my ancestors
in this
complexly constructed, multiplied soul.
why am i forced to feel like this?
when all i want to feel
is feel like i
am enough.
wow. i didn’t mean to make this a poem but i guess that’s how things go sometimes, haha.
definitions:
*diaspora: a scattered population of people whose origins stem from a smaller geographic area/location. people of color in the US often use this word to describe their feelings about being separated by our ancestor’s countries of origin, and various other feelings of separation and isolation from each other
**pilipinx: gender-neutral term used to descrise filipino/pilipino people, can be seen as problematic, but i use it as a non-binary person in the pilipino diaspora.