Week 4: When it gets colder…

What an emotional week. My Rock entry turned out to be longer than I thought it would be and it sums up my week pretty well so I think I could keep this one short. It is Saturday 3:24PM, I’m alone in the apartment comfortable on our sofa chaise while Jackson is at the school doing some video taping and editing for his program. It’s raining outside and super cold inside. There’s broth simmering on the stove right now and it’s really hard not to drink all of it while he’s gone. We’re attempting to make pho with a premade soup base we bought at Capitol Market last week. It has such a great flavor I wish I could just drink it all and make more broth before he comes back but… (that means I’d have to get up)

We watched a film called Twinsters on Tuesday and it got me to think about my relationship with my sister and the guilt I feel for ignoring my mom’s pleas for us to stop ignoring and pretending each other doesn’t exist. Seeing the two sisters in the film long for each other’s presence and how much they bonded through their screens and while together were really sweet to watch. It was a great, light film (much better than the one we saw the previous week, tbh) and I’m glad it was made. I hope that it reached a large audience and other adoptees were able to see it.

Now that I’m here, I really want to express my thoughts on this “guilt.” Because I don’t really feel guilty for the past… I think 10 years of being out of my sister’s life and her being out of mine. I understand why things happened the way it did. I don’t blame her for anything that happened, I don’t blame anyone. I feel worse about knowing that it has hurt my mom all this time. I know I made a promise to reach out to her and my older brother this weekend. Well, the weekend is right here right now and I haven’t done it yet. I know I will, just like I knew I was going to do this post today, it’s just a matter of time. I just want to be in the right mental space.

A while ago I think I wrote about how I wanted to enhance my learning and maximize my experience here… this quarter has been pretty stressful emotionally and physically since the start and I haven’t been able to do all the things I planned to do. The graduate school fair earlier this week hit this idea in my face. IDK WTF I’m doing with my life after I graduate. But that’s a lie. I know where I want to be… but figuring out the steps on how to get there is paining me. Sometimes I feel like I want to take a break from school after this and then I remember my big ass stack of student loans is just waiting to me at the end of this. SO. IDK. I feel like I need to talk to someone but I just end up wishing they would make all the decisions for me even though deep down I know that’s not want I need and not what I want. AH.