“A threat leads to nothing if it is not accepted. In fighting the good fight, you should never forget that. Just as you should never forget that both attacking and fleeing are part of the fight. What isn’t part of the fight is becoming paralyzed by fear.”
As I walked along the secluded highway going towards Sobrado dos Monxes, I looked down at my cell phone to the alarming notification “He [Portuguese creep] moved backwards to Baamonde yesterday” My stomach dropped and the comfort of being alone was suddenly stripped away leaving me desperate to be somewhere, anywhere but in solitude. My heart began to race as I looked over my shoulder. The sharp winding road blocked any view of oncoming pedestrians. I looked ahead only to be met with the never ending asphalt road that was my Camino. I remembered passing a few pilgrims awhile back and reluctantly slowed my pace down. “ He can be anywhere along my path by now. What if he decided to do the entire 40 km stage today? If I walk slower he will surely catch up to me any minute since I started walking so late.” I convinced myself. I stepped up my pace until each step began to send a shooting pain down the center of my lower legs. According to my navigator, I still had another 9.5 km to reach the end of the stage. Sweat dripped down my back as the scorching sun beat against my skin. Hobbling along, I looked back over my shoulder every now.
The “incident” took place the night of my arrival at the starting point of El Camino Frances, Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port. After an inspirational pep talk from our hospitalero, a couple of my classmates and I decided to go out for dinner. As we walked out of the albergue, we were greeted by a familiar face, a Korean girl named Diana. We invited her to stay in our small room that accommodated 4 pilgrims. She thanked us and hurriedly went to check in so she could come with us to dinner. Later that evening as we prepared for bed, a Portuguese man swung open the curtain to our room. He began to talk to anybody who would listen. Annie L pointed out that I understood Spanish. The Portuguese excitedly directed his conversation at me ranting about having walked the Camino numerous times and traveling the country by foot. He boasted that he had met a few of my classmates in Lourdes but had left them far behind. “What you walk in a week, I can walk in a couple of days.” He said matter of factly. Over the course of the evening, the Portuguese entered our room two additional times unannounced. I didn’t give his interactions much thought until I rolled over in bed and saw him perched on the edge of the wall that separated our room from his. His eyes were wide and wild as he rapidly skimmed the room back and forth with a big grin on his face. Diana was on the top bunk closest to him. She was packing her stuff and giggled when she looked up to see him peering into our room. I saw him disappear and got up from the bottom bunk to tell Maddie of my observation. My back was to him and she looked over and whispered “he’s still sitting up there.” I quickly turned and there he was again. I crawled back into bed and rolled over so my back was facing him. His actions were undoubtedly strange but I decided to ignore the situation.
It wasn’t too long after that I was awoken by a shining light. I looked up and saw it was coming from the room next door. Suddenly, an arm swung over the edge of the wall in the direction where Diana was laying. I closed my eyes so he would think I was asleep. I heard her gasp and then he whispered “shhh it’s ok.” My skin crawled. Somehow I managed to fall asleep again but soon again was awoken by a shining light in my face. “Hey let’s go look at the moon. It’s magical,” The Portuguese whispered. “No. Go to sleep” I replied assertively. He then disappeared into the night. My friend Annie also woke up when he entered the room and asked what he had said. I considered going to search for the hospitalero to report the incident but wasn’t sure if he slept in the building. Our dormitory was not connected to the main albergue so that meant going outside in the dark. I ran the risk of being followed or attacked by the creepy Portuguese. I made the decision to stay put but was unable to sleep the rest of the night out of fear that he may come back and try to attack me. Annie L offered to switch beds with me so she would have to deal with him if he came back. I told her no but later crawled into bed with her for comfort. At various points during night I could hear the Portuguese get out of bed and pace in the hallway right in front of my room. My heart began to race every time I heard the slightest noise. I dozed off to sleep sometime around 6 am as sleepy pilgrims began to prepare for that morning’s walk.
I awoke from an alert on my watch indicating that my heart rate remained elevated as I slept. Suddenly, the occurrence from the previous night raced through my head. I wanted to talk to Diana because she seemed unsurprised by the creeps weird actions and a bit naïve. In fact, I had seen her go outside with this creep right before bedtime. Diana was packing up to leave at that moment and asked her if the Portuguese had tried grabbing her during the night. Judging by the expression on her face, she was confused and didn’t understand what I was asking. I slowly asked her the same question again and demonstrated the act of grabbing. “Oh no no,” she assured me. I advised her that it probably wasn’t a good idea to walk with the Portuguese because he seemed a bit odd. She nodded with agreement and said quietly “He’s scary.” I was a bit relieved that she had realized his manner wasn’t entirely normal.
Annie L and I were the last pilgrims in the dormitory that morning. We sat on our beds packing when suddenly the curtain flew open and I looked up to see the Portuguese standing there visibly agitated. He pointed his finger at me and began to yell “ You can either have a good Camino or you can have a bad one. You better shut your fucking mouth because you don’t know me and I don’t know you. Now the Korean girl doesn’t want to walk with me because she’s scared. Do you know what she told me this morning “Please don’t hurt me.” And your friend has been in the town all morning pacing back and forth.” He became more enraged as he spoke and continued “ I don’t care if you are a woman I can hurt you.” He made reference to the ground as if threatening to bury me. He cussed at me some more and then spat on the floor before leaving. I was speechless as I turned to Annie L who was sitting there wide eyed and confused.
What should I do in a situation like this? I was conflicted between reporting it in that instance or letting it slide for the time being. If I went to tell the hospitalero, then surely the Portuguese would become even more enraged. I ran the risk of being targeted at any given moment. I decided to postpone my start date and check in with the professor. I was also torn between going home or starting the pilgrimage. “Is this walk really worth risking my safety?” I thought. Having had previous experience in healthcare, I had often dealt with patients with an array of mental health issues. I took a threat very seriously especially given his aggressive demeanor. One doesn’t know what a person is capable of. Thus, I debated all day long whether I wanted to stay or not.
The proceeding weeks were filled with some discouragement and stress to say the least. I was able to obtain a photo of the Portuguese and informed the hospitalero Cesar of the incident in Saint Jean. He was very supportive and assured me that I didn’t have anything to worry about during my stay in his albergue. The following morning I went out with some classmates and received a call from Harry urging me to return to the albergue that very moment. The Portuguese had shown up on the doorstep looking for me and the police were called. I spent many hours waiting at the local Pamplona police station only to be informed that they wouldn’t be able to help me. “A threat is not a crime. We cannot do anything about that unless he has harmed you physically,” said one of the officers. “So what you are saying is that you can’t help me until he tries to kill me?” I said angrily. “People make threats all the time.” He said unconcerned. Next step, talk with the Guardia Civil (state patrol). The officer quickly typed away as I repeated my story for the second time. He facilitated my request for a restraining order and explained the next step, wait for the judge’s review and final decision. This was a major interruption in my Camino since I had to play the waiting game. Meanwhile the guardia was on the hunt for The Portuguese’s whereabouts. They located him the next morning in Estella. Third step, go to the city of his arrest and give a statement for the third time.
After my request for a restraining order was denied in Pamplona but granted in Estella, the Portuguese took a bus back to his place of origin (or so the Guardia reported) and I continued on my Camino. I was relieved to have my order of protection and to be done repeating myself. I felt a little disappointed that my Camino had started out so rocky but I was determined to get back on track and avoid future interruptions. I wanted to erase my beginning and create a new one. What better way to start out fresh than switch my Camino route completely? It seemed like a good idea. Or so I thought.
As I neared the final stretch of el Camino, I received notice that the Portuguese had returned. Coincidentally he chose the northern route, my route. Just as I had gained the independence to venture off on my own. The day after learning of his presence on the trail, I did walk alone though despite the recommendation that I not be left alone. I had come to enjoy spending time with myself and walking at my own pace-not too fast or too slow. I also had assumed that he was days ahead and would let me be. He must have realized I was a couple days behind and backtracked on the trail.
I was a mix of emotions as I frantically walked down the highway. No longer did I feel carefree but was cautiously looking over my shoulder expecting to see him at any given moment. My uneasiness then turned into anger. “How dare he have the nerve to show up again especially right now. Just as he ruined the beginning of my pilgrimage, he’s trying too do the same with the end. He’s like a dark shadow looming over. I wont succumb to fear.” I told myself determined. I straightened my posture and clenched my fists as I walked. Suddenly, the situation began to take on more significance as a familiar thought came to my mind. Like Paulo Coelho in The Pilgrimage, I was able to chase away and avoid any confrontation with my black dog for awhile but never fully faced my demon, which was fear. Little did I know that his presence would remain lingering along my path until I chose to dominate him or remain enslaved by my own fearfulness. It wasn’t until I was on the trail contemplating what to do that I began to experience a moment of self awareness over my emotions. I realized that fear is consuming and will only take away from the rest of my positive experiences on El Camino. I realized that my determination is greater than any intimidation I may face for I had already made it this far. I chose to exercise self confidence, which changed how I reacted to being threatened. If I were to see him, I would stand my ground and put up a fight if necessary. I would no longer allow fear to consume my way of life. I slowed my pace, closed my eyes, and inhaled deeply. With the sun gleaming overhead and birds swaying with the breeze, I began to notice once more the beauty that was my Camino.