I really try. I really, really try, and I’m unnaturally stressed at this moment in time.
As much as it may look like I’ve got a pretty easy schedule right now to someone on the outside looking in, I actually think that I’m working far harder than I did the past two quarters. My friends have been telling me how they hate me because I’m so lucky. I can just laze around all day and not worry about it. Not true. On the contrary, I think the reason I’m working so hard and the reason I’m so stressed is that I, in fact, did select all my own work, and I didn’t go easy on myself. I’m working so hard because I want to get the absolute most out of this unique educational experience that I can. I may just be reading books, writing lyrics, and writing essays all day, but the difference between that and say, all of the work I did in high school is that I care about this work a lot more. I can skate by with above average work in whatever educational endeavor I pursue. I don’t mean to brag, I just know that I’m the kind of person that is compelled to do work that is assigned to me to the best of my ability always. But, this quarter has been a unique case for me. Now, not only am I putting effort into excelling in my work, I’m using way more brainpower to polish, tweak, and adjust it.
I feel a deep sense of connectedness to this. No longer is my interest in monsters and macabre something that I quietly admire from the sidelines. No longer are my essays required to be a certain length, and no longer are my topics forced upon me by an outside curriculum. Now the war that is education consists of battles of my own design. Now, as the general of my own scholastic conflict I endure trial by my own fire. Indeed, a few of my moves on the battlefield have lacked the tact required for me to emerge unscathed, but who comes out of college without a couple of nifty battle-scars and a robotic arm or two. I may sound a little downtrodden, but I assure you I’m happier than I’ve ever been. If my enjoyment of these battle-scars, struggles, and glorious victories makes me a sadist, then a sadist I must be.
Enough metaphors though. Writing in metaphor is exhausting. The point is: I’ve laid the workload on thick and struggled a bit, but I wouldn’t ask for anything else in the world. I’ve loved nothing more on this earth than sitting down to read Kafka’s The Metamorphosis for class, spending a ton of time pondering its contents, and putting pen to paper to write once everything has straightened itself out in my head. Using the lens of a weekly theme to examine and comment on some of the most stomach-churning fiction ever created is work that I wish I could do until the day that I die.
So, overall, I’m actually doing pretty amazing considering the fact that the amount of care I put into my songs and essays has weighed fairly heavily upon my health, both mental and physical. I’ve had some internal and skin maladies caused by a lack of sleep, and constant mental exhaustion. Thankfully, I don’t think that those will persist too much longer due to a slight shift in my curriculum to only having to record five songs instead of ten. I think that will really help me a lot. Honestly, I can endure anything just as long as I get to keep doing what I love. You’ll never hear me complain about having to write some more.