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Karl Marx’s Top Ten Guide to Being a Celebrity!

1. Keep Some Secrets.(You’ll Profit later.) “The representation of private interests … abolishes all natural and spiritual distinctions by enthroning in their stead the immoral, irrational and soulless abstraction of a particular material object and a particular consciousness which is slavishly subordinated to this object. “Marx, On the Thefts of Wood, in Rheinische Zeitung (1842)

2. Do some Charity Work.(Ex. Angelina Jolie) “History calls those men the greatest who have ennobled themselves by working for the common good; experience acclaims as happiest the man who has made the greatest number of people happy.” Marx, Letter to His Father (1837)

3. Be Exciting.(Hijack a Car-Lindsay Lohan Style, or Be a Druggie like Amy Winehouse)  “Greek philosophy seems to have met with something with which a good tragedy is not supposed to meet, namely, a dull ending.” Marx, Doctoral Thesis, Chapter 1 (1841)

4. You will be Judged. Get over it. “But, if constructing the future and settling everything for all times are not our affair, it is all the more clear what we have to accomplish at present: I am referring to ruthless criticism of all that exists, ruthless both in the sense of not being afraid of the results it arrives at and in the sense of being just as little afraid of conflict with the powers that be.” Marx, Letter from the Deutsch-Französische Jahrbücher (1843)

5. Try Kabbalah or Scientology. It shows you have a heart. “Religious suffering is, at one and the same time, the expression of real suffering and a protest against real suffering. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions.It is the opium of the people.” Marx, Critique of Hegel’s Philosophy of Right. Introduction (1843)

6. Network with other Celebrities. Oh, and Work Out. You need a nice Body. “When communist artisans associate with one another, theory, propaganda, etc., is their first end. But at the same time, as a result of this association, they acquire a new need – the need for society – and what appears as a means becomes an end. … the brotherhood of man is no mere phrase with them, but a fact of life, and the nobility of man shines upon us from their work-hardened bodies.” Marx, Human Needs & the division of Labour (1844)

7. If You Must, you can Sell those Nude Photos, Mr. Marx doesn’t Judge you. Just don’t think you are making it to the ‘A’ List. You’re not.  “Do I obey economic laws if I extract money by offering my body for sale,… – Then the political economist replies to me: You do not transgress my laws; but see what Cousin Ethics and Cousin Religion have to say about it. My political economic ethics and religion have nothing to reproach you with, but – But whom am I now to believe, political economy or ethics? – The ethics of political economy is acquisition, work, thrift, sobriety – but political economy promises to satisfy my needs. … It stems from the very nature of estrangement that each sphere applies to me a different and opposite yardstick – ethics one and political economy another; for each is a specific estrangement of man and focuses attention on a particular field of estranged essential activity, and each stands in an estranged relation to the other.” Marx, Human Needs & the division of Labour (1844)

8. Spend that Money! Wear those Designers(Chanel, Dior, and Armani) and Use that Fresh, New Power! “The ideas of the ruling class are in every epoch the ruling ideas, i.e. the class which is the ruling material force of society, is at the same time its ruling intellectual force. The class which has the means of material production at its disposal, has control at the same time over the means of mental production, so that thereby, generally speaking, the ideas of those who lack the means of mental production are subject to it. The ruling ideas are nothing more than the ideal expression of the dominant material relationships, the dominant material relationships grasped as ideas.” Marx, German Ideology (1845)

9. Buy a really, really big House. It’s called “King of the Castle”, and you better be up to the challenge. “A house may be large or small; as long as the neighboring houses are likewise small, it satisfies all social requirement for a residence. But let there arise next to the little house a palace, and the little house shrinks to a hut. The little house now makes it clear that its inmate has no social position at all to maintain.” Marx, Wage Labour and Capital (1847)

10. Remember, You are the Star. Be the Star. “In all forms of society there is one specific kind of production which predominates over the rest, … a general illumination which bathes all the other colours and modifies their particularity.” Marx, The Grundrisse (1857)

Dear Ibrey Swomm
(Aka Pop culture love poem)

I’m not sure how to say this
You watch too much discovery channel
But I really can’t complain,
Except when you thought you were Survivorman, haha
you put your sister in so much pain.
You have terrible taste in movies
Not once have you seen Jumanjii,
I mean come on, who are you?
Really, not even Gandhi?
Music, let’s just not start
Nor do you have any taste
In ancient, classical, or modern art
All in all these things I’m willing to ignore
I’m inspired by the things you’re so intrigued;
And I’m willing to explore
Because it’s your book I’d like to read.
What I really want to say to you,
It’s so hard to express,
I’m no good with these words
I’m useless, I’m a mess.

I’ll be your attack dog;
I’ll be your Sarah Palin.
I’ll be your Paris Hilton
(Oh wait, no, just kiddin’)

I’ll be your Guiding Light
Or All My Children, or Days of Our Lives
Whichever soap feels like it’s gonna be just right.

You be Paulie, I’ll be Juno
Except not preggers
Because hey!
That’s an un-uh, a hail no!

We could be
Like Heidi and Spencer
Except their marriage isn’t real
Maybe, this isn’t the best example.

Man, you make me feel like a woman
Like Jay-Z rapping about bagging B
If I wrote a song about you
I’d so be rolling in the G

I’ll be Brad and you’ll be Angelina
Oh hold on switch that.
No matter
You and I can see the world together

We’ll have our love end like Casablanca
Mm, but there’ll be no Nazis
And we’ll move off to France
Although, it takes place in Morocco
Do you think you could give me a chance?

So don’t take this the wrong way
But, Like Shakespeare I’m in love
I’m tired of the games we play
And I’m ready to admit
You’ve got me, you’ve won

My mother keeps asking me why I want to be famous. I finally tell her it’s because I’ll be making movies, I’ll be an actress. They’re pieces it’s art. My mom’s an artist, doesn’t she get it? She struggled. I struggle. I’ll make it. My mother says you have to have a backup. I do have a backup…

I’ll save up money…work as a waitress. Then I’ll buy J.Lo’s butt, Angelina’s lips, Scarlett’s ever perky breasts, and the list goes on. This way at least, I’ll have tits and ass. I mean, my body’s fine the way it is now, but who couldn’t do with a pair of bigger boobs? Obviously not Queen Latifah, they hurt her back, but so what? I’ll sing about “Dance Ten, Looks Three” on a Chorus Line (that’s even if Broadway exists by then). After that I’ll have a nice centerfold in Playboy, do my own reality show, and I’ll be set. Subsequently, I’ll reform my ways, start a children’s charity (possibly about girls and body image), settle down, and lastly, end up with the best jugs in the nursing home. Ta-Dah! Perfect!

My mom looks like she’s going to throw up.