behind rosy cheeks and big eyes
it’s me.
Filipina and American,
white as can be.
my homeland,
but is it mine?
always seems to be a fingers grasp away,
tainted by colonization, militarization, violence, and oppression.
am I the same as the people who stepped foot on their soil in the first place?
stepping into what it means to be mixed.
can I have one foot in both places?
where are those places?
comforted by the sounds of my maternal family,
by murmurs in Tagalog and Visayan,
photography and stories.
memories trapped in the trauma of my aunt, uncles, and mother,
in the healing and understanding that comes with time,
sometimes too late.
the smell of adobo, lumpia, biko, fresh fruit.
am I only getting the good parts?
behind rosy cheeks and big eyes
it’s me.
Filipina and American,
figuring out what that could be.
11/16/17 poem draft
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In talking with my sister this week, I got to process how I actually feel quite uncomfortable with “claiming” to be multiethnic. Being Filipina is very important to me and woven into how I see and interact with the world. But I often feel like other white people will demand that I prove my “Filipina-ness” and APIA folks will feel disrespected by my whiteness and not personally knowing the struggle of being brown in America. I feel self conscious to enter into the perceptions people may have. This seems kind of silly because in being friends with people it “comes out” that I am part Filipina and it’s for the most part, accepted with a positive reaction. I feel uncomfortable that I can tell/not tell people about my multiethnic identity and it is seen as a cool thing, when other people don’t have that privilege and are treated worse because of it. So, I am committed to continue learning about Pilipino/American history and current struggle. And continue having conversations with people who I might shy away from because of the perceptions I make about how they will react to the topic of racial and ethnic identity. Alas, the journey continues on.
Also, I look up to my sister because she has thought a lot about what her identity means for her and the world and rocks it. She encourages me in my process and is a good person to talk to who knows where I am coming from. She writes beautiful words on her blog~ Check her out!