As the first week of A-Pop comes to a close, I’ve had more time to reflect on my experiences so far. This processing has led me to what my final project idea will most likely be. I had an emotional revelation after waking up this morning that felt like pieces of my life collaging into one main point: I hold a weight of sorrow for the heritage I’ve lost through four generations of assimilation.
Being an ambiguous definition of half white, and half Asian, specifically Chinese and Korean, I’ve struggled to find a “home” within my multi-ethnic identity. I constantly feel as if I’m being split, searching for a place to belong and only finding “in-between” states of being. While I’ve started to come to terms with the positive aspects of being multi-ethnic (like being encouraged to immerse myself in multiple cultures, coming from a rich background of history, and being able to navigate through different worlds by claiming multiple identities), it’s only something I’ve recently started to entertain. I would like to continue in the direction of finding a home within that multi-faceted identity, however I feel like I have to start with where I’ve fallen short in that feeling.
“Home” to me brings a sense of comfort and belonging, something solid to connect and identify with. I feel this in many places in my life, however I haven’t had many experiences of belonging within my ethnic identity. I think identifying contrasting feelings of “home” versus “not home” that I’ve experienced will help me choose what to search for in this project and to feel a sense of belonging in general. For example, within my memories, I have pockets of cultural comfort: Making dumplings from scratch with my dad and using his large bamboo steamer, eating rice as a staple, consistently having kim chi in the fridge, learning his recipe for fried rice, receiving red envelopes on Chinese Lunar New Year, knowing my Chinese zodiac since before I can remember, going to family reunions, and being introduced to Eastern medicine and Buddhist spirituality.
In opposition, moments where I feel the least at home include being told I’m “not Asian enough” or “whitewashed,” being excluded in that way as if I can and will never be part of the Asian community, whether it’s Chinese or Korean. Even as I learn more about my Chinese lineage and culture, which I’m immensely grateful for, I still feel as if I’ll never be able to be fully accepted as Asian, as if being white negates or erases my other ethnic identities. This causes moments where I feel internalized shame for being white or “mixed,” and deeper than that, not being (good) enough. It reaches back into my childhood, where I have very little recollection of being Asian. In that, I benefitted a lot from my white middle class privilege in that I didn’t have to be aware of my race until much later. This connects to the loss of connection with my ancestry, the fact that my main identity defaults to “American,” constantly reminding me that there’s a reason for that, and it shows when I reflect on my family history. While outsiders often target me as “whitewashed” as if it’s my fault, the systemic assimilation that happens in the United States, which stems from a need to survive against explicit and implicit Exclusion, is truly where the issue lies.
An ocean of sadness accompanies thoughts of my family’s culture that was lost due to assimilation. This is represented in the death of my grandparents, especially my grandma. While my grandpa passed away when I was very young, my grandma only passed away recently, so there’s a lot of regret in taking her for granted. Along with her body, a lot of our family stories and knowledge disappeared with her. It’s also shown in the story of my great grandma, who was institutionalized after giving birth to eight children. She barely spoke two words of English and had postpartum depression before society understood what that was. She stayed there for over a third of her life, so long that when her children tried to break her out one night, she refused to leave because that had become her home. I’ve talked with my cousins about how losing the matriarch of the family meant losing a lot of traditions that would’ve otherwise been passed down, including recipes, holiday celebrations, and our mother tongue.
I also feel the least at home when I’m emotionally torn between the three ethnic identities I claim. It ties in with the points above too, where I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere and I have no solid culture to anchor me to a community. At this point, I feel as if I can more confidently identify as multi-ethnic than any individual ethnicity within my makeup, however even the “mixed” community covers a broad umbrella of individual diverse identities. Especially because the pattern of being torn between homes, such as literally going back-and-forth between divorced parents’ houses, surfaces a lot, the belief that I’m being diverged runs and bruises deeply. That being said, it’s a relief to find a “home” in people to relate to within those confusing and painful experiences.
I think the desire to find a place to belong, finding a family or community, is inherent in every person and I definitely observe that within myself. Especially at this point in my life, I magnetize towards communities and cultures that are very connected and supportive, whether it be through song and dance or food and discussion.
In doing this reflection, I see a theme of food being a symbol for home and connection to my culture. I feel like this would be a good topic to narrow in on, especially because I have a source in mind already that could help, but this is somewhat conflicting for me because I also have a strained and tumultuous relationship with food. This reminds me that it’s difficult to address racial identity without also acknowledging someone’s overall intersectional identity.
I also see themes in some traditions and philosophy that could be explored. This could possibly include the feeling of “home” that comes with feeling good in my body, health-wise, as well as spiritually. My dad introduced me to acupuncture, so I take a lot of my health standards from Chinese medicine. Health is also deeply bridged with spirituality because the mind and body in Eastern culture aren’t as separated as they are in Western culture. This could connect to common Eastern philosophies or practices, such as doing tai chi or martial arts. I know that Bruce Lee is a figure head for martial arts in media (and outside of it), there’s also Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Karate Kid. All of these demonstrate a common thread that ties spiritual philosophies into daily practice. While Western media usually portrays these aspects of Asian culture as “Other,” “exotic” or unreliable, I find comfort in approaching health as a whole entity to be constantly applied to daily life as reflected in Eastern culture.
This can also connect to my feeling of “home” being highly associated with nature and animals. I have a strong affinity towards the healing effects that nature, especially animals, has on humans. I also look to animals as guides because of their purity and presence. Sitting with a cat or walking in the woods is something that brings me joy and peace at the same time, “home” settles very nicely in these settings. I know that Japanese religion has a strong relationship with nature, and media is often used as an outlet for it.
Finally, I have one main connection between ethnic identity conflict and the 2017 film, Ghost in the Shell. I discovered the term “racial impostor syndrome” in NPR’s Code Switch podcast ‘Racial Impostor Syndrome’: Here Are Your Stories. It’s the concept that one is an impostor to their race because they don’t have a large, or any, connection to the culture that their racial makeup is associated with. While this feeling isn’t limited to multi-ethnic people, a majority of multi-ethnic people claim to struggle with it. I consider myself one of those people. This relates to the movie, Ghost in the Shell, because the main character, Motoko, is not only portrayed as a Japanese soul in a white body, but the role was also whitewashed, the original anime intending for the main character to be Asian but instead being played by Scarlett Johansson. (Whether this action was intentional/not or justified/not, the directors still had an opportunity to diversify Hollywood and to spotlight lesser-known actresses, and they didn’t take that “risk,” instead playing it “safe” by choosing a well-known box office star). So the main character represents the conflict of being a foreigner to her new body, while Scarlett is an impostor playing a role that wasn’t intended for her. This example relates to me feeling like an impostor in this Asian body, a betrayal to the people I’m “supposed” to represent, externally misleading people to believe I know Asian culture when I, in fact, know very little.
I want to focus on finding a home within my racial and ethnic identity, not as a fragmented persona but as an aggregated self, a walking sense of “home” that I can take with me anywhere.
Main Points to possibly include in Final Project:
- Connecting more to my Asian culture through food or philosophy brings me “home”
- I have experienced disconnect from my multi-ethnic identity that is inspiring me to pursue this topic
- Being around people I can relate to brings a sense of belonging essential to feeling “home”
- I have several pop cultural references to point towards