Self Evaluation

And so there it happened, 57 days on the camino. 8 weeks of walking, chatting, observing, and learning. But what happened with me? I found my wings again- I remembered how to live for myself.

June 3rd will mark three years since my world turned upside down. Three years ago my mom died in a freak accident. I cut ties with all my friends, completely did a 180 with who I was as a person, and my only priority in life was living for my mom. Now I’ve done three years of that. I’ve worked so hard the last three years to stay distant from people, out of protection for myself. I don’t want to risk losing someone that I depend on because of how I felt after losing my mother. I’ve pushed myself to be completely independent and I’ve made all of my decisions in life based on what my mom would have done- I went to Evergreen because I remembered her telling my older sister that she thought it was a good school, I took as many of her clothes as I could and wore them nearly every day, and I chose to follow her spirituality practices of pagan and buddhist practices: burning sage and sitting with crystals, performing ceremonies even when I had no idea what I was doing. But forgetting to consult myself in what I wanted.

In the second week of this camino things started to shift. I tried to chase my familiar independence by taking off out of Logroño on my own. I knew about the sexual predators that other girls had suffered on the trail, but I was too stubborn to let anything squash my independence. And then it was taken from me. I was lying by a lake soaking up the sun when a gardener of the city approached me and grabbed my arm, trying to pull me with him. I yelled at him and we took off in opposite directions. When I got to town I called a classmate and swallowed my pride to admit that I needed to walk with them. For the first time in three years I couldn’t be enough for myself. I couldn’t do it alone. I had to begin to trust and depend on other people, which was unfamiliar and scary, but necessary. At the time it was a small step, but now, 6 weeks later, I can see that this was the beginning of me learning how to trust again. About 4 weeks later I found myself in solitude, just watching a herd of cows. I started reflecting on my life and I felt like I had a smaller support system than most of the people around me. Of course I have people in my life that love me and support me, but I realized that cutting ties and guarding myself from trusting too much left me feeling so alone and without guidance. I know I can take care of myself; I’ve done it for three years, but maybe I would benefit from letting people in. It still scares me because of the pain I felt when I lost someone that I trusted would be there, but little by little I have been breaking down my walls and trusting again. It hasn’t bitten me in the butt yet.

With this, I have been remembering that I should live how I want to. A few weeks ago I had a long conversation with the one person in this class that knew me well pre-camino. He seemed confused with how I had chosen to experience this camino- questioning me in why I was walking with people so different from people I surrounded myself before. He could see that I was less internal and more chasing a good time, which was unlike me. At first I felt guilty that I had strayed away from the Fern that I was familiar with. I was disappointed in myself for prioritizing different things. But the next day I dove into it during my walk and I came to realize that people change. I can change. Change is growth. I have been used to making my decisions based on my mom and now I have been figuring out how to recognize and validate my wishes aside from my mom’s. I wasn’t put on this earth to be a mini-me of her. It has helped my grieving because trying to be like my mom helps to keep her alive for me. But now I see that I need to live for myself. And I know she would be more proud of me for that than anything else.

This camino has played out differently than I envisioned it. I have become friends with people I may not have wanted to be friend with three months ago. I have been chasing a good time and letting people in more than I did three months ago. But I have learned and grown just as much from it as I did spending 7 weeks on the Pacific Crest Trail alone. I have made the decision to take control of how I live and to stop being pulled down by the anchor of grieving my mother. I’m starting with baby steps, but these baby steps have gotten me to Santiago with plenty of learning and growth in my backpack.