Category: Friends – Spirit

Self Evaluation

And so there it happened, 57 days on the camino. 8 weeks of walking, chatting, observing, and learning. But what happened with me? I found my wings again- I remembered how to live for myself.
June 3rd will mark three years since my world turned upside down. Three years ago my mom died in a freak accident. I cut ties with all my friends, completely did a 180 with who I was as a person, and my only priority in life was living for my mom. Now I’ve done three years of that. I’ve worked so hard the last three years to stay distant from people, out of protection for myself. I don’t want to risk losing someone that I depend on because of how I felt after losing my mother. I’ve pushed myself to be completely independent and I’ve made all of my decisions in life based on what my mom would have done- I went to Evergreen because I remembered her telling my older sister that she thought it was a good school, I took as many of her clothes as I could and wore them nearly every day, and I chose to follow her spirituality practices of pagan and buddhist practices: burning sage and sitting with crystals, performing ceremonies even when I had no idea what I was doing. But forgetting to consult myself in what I wanted.
In the second week of this camino things started to shift. I tried to chase my familiar independence by taking off out of Logroño on my own. I knew about the sexual predators that other girls had suffered on the trail, but I was too stubborn to let anything squash my independence. And then it was taken from me. I was lying by a lake soaking up the sun when a gardener of the city approached me and grabbed my arm, trying to pull me with him. I yelled at him and we took off in opposite directions. When I got to town I called a classmate and swallowed my pride to admit that I needed to walk with them. For the first time in three years I couldn’t be enough for myself. I couldn’t do it alone. I had to begin to trust and depend on other people, which was unfamiliar and scary, but necessary. At the time it was a small step, but now, 6 weeks later, I can see that this was the beginning of me learning how to trust again. About 4 weeks later I found myself in solitude, just watching a herd of cows. I started reflecting on my life and I felt like I had a smaller support system than most of the people around me. Of course I have people in my life that love me and support me, but I realized that cutting ties and guarding myself from trusting too much left me feeling so alone and without guidance. I know I can take care of myself; I’ve done it for three years, but maybe I would benefit from letting people in. It still scares me because of the pain I felt when I lost someone that I trusted would be there, but little by little I have been breaking down my walls and trusting again. It hasn’t bitten me in the butt yet.
With this, I have been remembering that I should live how I want to. A few weeks ago I had a long conversation with the one person in this class that knew me well pre-camino. He seemed confused with how I had chosen to experience this camino- questioning me in why I was walking with people so different from people I surrounded myself before. He could see that I was less internal and more chasing a good time, which was unlike me. At first I felt guilty that I had strayed away from the Fern that I was familiar with. I was disappointed in myself for prioritizing different things. But the next day I dove into it during my walk and I came to realize that people change. I can change. Change is growth. I have been used to making my decisions based on my mom and now I have been figuring out how to recognize and validate my wishes aside from my mom’s. I wasn’t put on this earth to be a mini-me of her. It has helped my grieving because trying to be like my mom helps to keep her alive for me. But now I see that I need to live for myself. And I know she would be more proud of me for that than anything else.
This camino has played out differently than I envisioned it. I have become friends with people I may not have wanted to be friend with three months ago. I have been chasing a good time and letting people in more than I did three months ago. But I have learned and grown just as much from it as I did spending 7 weeks on the Pacific Crest Trail alone. I have made the decision to take control of how I live and to stop being pulled down by the anchor of grieving my mother. I’m starting with baby steps, but these baby steps have gotten me to Santiago with plenty of learning and growth in my backpack.

Independent Project- Meditation

The camino has been full of spiritually, magic and miracles. I’ve seen spirituality to some extent in most of the pilgrims walking alongside me. Whether they are walking this as a Catholic pilgrimage to see the destination of Saint James, or walking it as a Grandpa; retired, bored, and looking to find the fire in life again- bringing questions of beliefs and faith to the young people on the trail. Or walking it as a young person; just graduated from college and trying to figure out themself, hoping they’ll get a hint out here. It seems that doing this kind of thing makes most people think about questions like, “Where did I come from?”, “Where do I go after this life?” or “Does it really matter if I don’t pay for this ice cream?” And maybe for some it may just be a passing thought, but others spend weeks of walking dissecting these questions. I tumble questions like these through my head quite regularly, and I believe that talking to other people about them helps. So naturally, I had conversations with other pilgrims about these subjects. These are some of the most influential for me;
Paul, from Great Britain, walks two weeks of the camino every year. I mentioned a meditation practice and he excitedly told me that he has been practicing transcendental meditation (silent, sitting meditation) since 1976. He started meditating on a trip to India with his girlfriend, who ended up leaving him on the trip. He found meditation to be an outlet for stress and and a way to interact more consciously and calmly with the world. When I asked about the label of ‘religious or ‘spiritual’ and asked if he considered himself spiritual because of his meditation practice, he answered, “I wouldn’t be so presumptuous to say I’m spiritual.”
His walking parter, Gray, also had things to say on the subject. Gray practices transcendental meditation as well, but not on a daily basis. He first tried it with a guide because he wanted to become more grounded and says that during his first session, “I completely left myself.” He told me how he can see that it’s so difficult for people today to take even a two minute break for their mind. He says the point of meditation is to stop the chatter so that you can be open to experiencing the present moment. Our conversation turned into philosophy and questions like “What is the point of life?” and “What do you believe happens after you die?” Gray reasoned with me saying that if I didn’t want to know things like what day I would die or how my whole life would play out, why would I want to know what happens after we die or what the point of living is. He talked about how there is wisdom in living with uncertainty; the past and the future are irrelevant to enjoying the present moment and meditation helps us focus on this more easily.
I walked for a day with Jacob, from Denmark. Conversation flowed easily and it was a matter of time before meditation and spirituality came up. I asked him if he had any meditation practice and he told me that no, he didn’t practice meditation. However, in another conversation about walking he talked about loving walking because it allowed his brain to slow down and move at the speed of his body. He enjoyed being able to ‘check out’ and walk for hours- content in his mental state. Earlier that morning he had ‘checked out’ walking and just followed the backpack in front of him. When he checked ‘back in’ he realized that he had been following the person for hours and had gotten way off the camino because of it. After saying this, he realized something and told me. “Well, yes, I guess maybe I do meditate.”
I enjoyed many conversations on the subject with Leonie, the German girl that we walked with for nearly 2 weeks. Leonie was raised catholic, and still has belief and and respect for the religion. Alongside that, she does have a mindfulness practice and enjoys studying the buddha and subjects related, including meditation. Leonie is a high energy girl and said she struggles with sitting meditations. She practices yoga regularly and said that she feels like this is a meditative practice in the way that it connects her mind and body through the breath. I talked to her about the walking meditations I have been doing, thinking she would enjoy this style too.
I also learned mindfulness in the animals on the trail. There was no lack of trailside farm animals to accompany me on this walk. I stopped quite a few times to be with these animals. My first day walking on the Norte was a rainy morning, and as I was struggling trying not to let it kill my mood, I came upon a herd of sheep. They were out in an open lawn with no cover, and yet they were standing in the rain looking completely content. I thought of this as very admirable- they had a achieved exactly what so many people want to achieve through meditation; existing in the present moment with no attachments.
I had a similar experience watching a herd of cows. I sat at the edge of their grazing lands for nearly two hours one day, just observing. I watched the cows interact with each other, and as individuals. I came to see that these animals seemed to be in the same state of present-moment awareness because of the way they could just stand in one place for 10 minutes or make slow movements in a new direction. Maybe it’s because their brains are less complex, but I have learned a lot from watching sheep and cows being mindfulness role models.
I also enjoyed reading the book Siddhartha for my project. This is the story of a yogi along his spiritual journey as he follows different teachers, and eventually ends up following the buddha. This book had many good themes of not trusting or following ideals just because you were told to, but following because you feel that it is right for you. In the book, Siddhartha‘s friend follows him throughout his different exploratory endeavors; following for a while, and then. His friend can finally see that he is not on the same journey as Siddhartha and leaves once starts following the buddha. This book also had simple meditation techniques for transcendental, mantra, and movement meditations which was helpful in expanding my own meditation practice.
As for my own practice, I found it to be very helpful that I had all day to walk. For me, movement meditations are easier than sitting meditations. On this camino I have mostly been practicing walking meditation and yoga for mindfulness. For my walking meditation, I would count 4 steps with my in-breath and 4 steps with my out-breath. This became a little more difficult once I started walking the Norte because it’s less flat, and therefore made my breathing uneven.  I would usually do this for about 10 minutes during my walk, and it would always feel good to connect my mind to my body. It’s too easy to walk all day and not realize that you’re walking. I can get so caught up and focused on my conversations or what’s around me that I forget to pay attention to what’s happening with me. How fast are my feet moving? What are my arms doing? Am I walking in a rushed way or a relaxed way? Walking meditations always helped to bring my attention back to this present moment and to be here with my body while I walked.
Daily yoga was also a cherished meditation practice, similar to my walking meditation, I enjoyed this for the way that it connects my body and mind through attention to my breath. I would usually find a grassy patch in the morning of my walk and stop to do my regular 3 sun salutations. This was always helpful in jumpstarting my body for a long day of walking, and getting the oxygen flowing to my brain; allowing me to feel more awake and happier.
Overall, this camino has been helpful in allowing me to establish a regular meditation practice and to connect with other people on the trail with this attention to mindfulness.

Learning How Young I am

As a 19 year-old it’s been easy to be excited about how “old” I am these last couple years. Moving away from home for the first time this fall made me feel like I was launched into adulthood…. And yet it seems that the older I get, the more I learn, the more people meet, and the more experiences I have the younger and more naive I feel. I have been learning that being an “adult” means much more than my preconceived idea of knowing how to cook pasta and remembering to do your taxes. The last week I have been walking with people aged 21, 22, 24, and 26. For most of our days’ conversation I didn’t feel any younger or different than the rest of them, but sometimes politics or careers would be brought up. Although I consider myself to be an informed, active young person I could tell that my age actually made a difference sometimes. I realized that I am still trying to figure out who I even am outside of my parents’ nest. It became apparent to me that my political views were mostly just myself blindly following the people around me without really dissecting an issue. As I listened to the educated adults around me discuss these subjects I could see how they all had reasons for believing the way that they did. And with time, I will as well.

Exciting Hello’s & Bittersweet Goodbye’s

I have been riding the sweet wave of accomplishment for a couple days now. We walked into Santiago de Compostela the morning of the 20th. When I finally approached the cathedral that I have had in the back of my mind for nearly 5 months now I was overcome with a sense of accomplishment and pride. 7 weeks of walking that was filled with blisters, being woken up throughout the night by other pilgrims in hostels, losing belongings, losing my mind here and there, taking a wrong turn and having to backtrack, sunburns, stinky clothes, and everything else that tested my motivation was suddenly a million times worth it.  But at the same time time I was overcome with sadness. Sadness that 2 months had flown by so quickly, and sadness to have to say goodbye to Leonie and Mirium, who we had been laughing our way down the trail with for 10 days and had become fast friends. I think the hardest part of traveling is making friends and having to say goodbye with no certainty when you will see them again. But I suppose it’s good to spread your heart out all over the world.
Santiago is full of all kinds of travelers. Plenty of pilgrims flooded the church for mass on Sunday, and the priest read out all the different countries that people had arrived from today; the list seemed never ending. The roads of this sought-after city are rimmed with street performers, artists, and people from almost any background you could imagine. It feels surreal to be in this city that us pilgrims have had as a fantasy this whole walk. But we made it!

Philosophy on the Camino

It feels like summertime here in Burgos. Locals are strolling through the plaza licking ice cream under the 70 degree sunshine. Dalmatians and Greyhounds are chasing each other along the riverbank with cheerful kids in their trail.

I walked into Burgos on the 17th which was a deceiving walk. We set out in the morning just on the other side of the hill from Burgos, so by a few kilometers in we topped the mountain and could see the city even though it would still be another 20 k until we reached the door of our hostel. I was walking with Aiden Taylor that morning and we ran into two English men on our way up the hill that we had started chatting with the night before. Paul and Grey are in their late sixties, tackling the Camino together for two weeks at a time every year. They walk keeping the mood light, joking with each other and not taking anything too seriously. I mentioned my independent project for class being on meditation and they were excited to tell me that they both practice it. On our walk down they let me prod for meditation conversation which turned into philosophy and questions like “What is the point of life?” and “What do you believe happens after you die?” Grey reasoned with me saying that if I didn’t want to know things like what day I would die or how my whole life would play out, why would I want to know what happens after we die or what the point of living is? He talked about how there is wisdom in living with uncertainty; the past and the future are irrelevant to enjoying the present moment and meditation helps us focus on this more easily. I barely noticed the landscape change as I asked them the same questions that I had asked Christians and Catholics in the previous days. Again, what a spectacular classroom this camino is. There is plenty of wisdom at our fingertips if we know how to look for it.

The Little Details

I keep being reminded that it’s about the journey; not the destination. It’s really not about getting to Santiago, but it’s about all the little details in these 10 weeks that make me squeal and grin and pout and everything else that comes with this experience. Yesterday was a good reminder of this. It was a relatively easy day; 20 k, flat, and sunny. Harry, Maddie, Aiden and I changed up the pace. We took 11 hours to get from town A to town B today, when usually our walks take 5 or 6 hours. We strolled through the smooth green hills talking about everything besides the miles ahead of us. We sang and we stopped to appreciate the fields of yellow flowers flowing alongside us. At one of our many ‘wow this is so beautiful’ pauses we decided to stay a while because…why not? We climbed up a side hill, plopped our packs down and got sucked into the landscape of snow capped peaks towering over golden seas, pillowy clouds shape shifting along the horizon and soft chocolate melting in our fingers. This is why I walk. I soaked up the freedom and skipped and twirled and frolicked up and down the hill for almost an hour until I was too sweaty and tired to do another twirl. This made me so much more tired and sore than walking ever does (heavy price to pay for having fun, I know). On our homestretch into town I got to pick Aiden’s brain on religion and Christianity which made me have interest in reading parts of the bible for the first time in my life. Faith is strongly alive in so many people on this camino, which I admire so much. The conversations I have engaged in in the last few days have been so enriching and stimulating:  relativity, good vs. bad, dimensions, conspiracy theories, and music. Walking provides the best classroom I could ask for.