TW: Rape mention, physical/mental trauma
In the midst of the accident, I felt my angels create a forcefield around me. The only pain I felt in the moment was superficial; my whole body felt a blazing numbness, like a hand after a perfectly executed high-five. I embodied a cat, knowing that I did not want to be on the ground AT ALL. I pounced up and hobbled over to a stopped car in shock. I doula-ed myself until the ambulance came; the sun visor in the car I sat in was down, the mirror exposed. I looked myself in the eyes and tried to take deep breaths. I hummed to avoid yelling and answered questions about my identity and what had happened. I wiggled my toes every few minutes to remind myself that I was okay.
My body carried me through the next few hours until my mind caught up. I was still in shock when I left the hospital, which may have played a role in the doctors missing my fractures. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, and believe that my male doctors did not take my pain as seriously as they should have because I am a woman. I will write more about the problems that arise from the medical industrial complex and patriarchal foundations of western medicine.
Something especially incredible happened in the moments following the accident-
Before I even knew my bones were broken open, I felt the snakes crawl out. I was liberated. I don’t quite understand why acceptance came so instantaneously, but there was a clear knowing at the moment I was hit that the experience would foster healing in all other aspects of my life. It makes sense in a way; I have spent months witnessing my mind and body at war. Mind tried desperately to make sense of it all, an impossible task… at war with itself too. Mind wanted Body to feel the same pain it woke up with everyday, so it told Body it wasn’t enough. Body ached with an unfamiliar pain, one with no identifiable source. Mind starved body. Body dragged on, but became perpetually sick due to the constant blows from Mind. Mind convinced itself that it was not desperately ill, tried to believe it could be whole despite its pain in witnessing Body’s health declining. Mind and Body had forgotten their sameness. With each attack on the other, they brought themselves lower and lower until there was nothing left in the fuel tank. The snakes had taken over. Mind and Body defeated one another, went beyond survival mode, could not even nourish or fulfill their most basic needs. But somehow, they dragged each other out of the war-zone, washed themselves and soaked in saltwater and sunlight.
Mind and Body were working full-time and it was paying off- they were the happiest and healthiest they had been in months. Until body was literally struck down, filled with cracks, pain, pumped full of medicine, forced to slow down again. Mind mourned for it’s sweet friend’s lost abilities. Mind sympathized with Body’s pain, but knew what it had to do. Mind would not go to war again. This time, Mind was going to keep moving forward, cheer Body on, and do everything it could, knowing Body will do the same in return someday.
The cracks in my body have let light through, and I feel a powerful connection to spirit and my intuition.
The nights following the accident brought illuminating dreams; maybe having something to do with the medications I was prescribed. I had vivid dreams about people hovering over me. I could feel their anger seeping into me. I turned around- a step that has taken me months- and looked my demons in the eyes for the first time. They were not as terrifying as I had pictured them to be when their identities were subject to my imagination.
I spoke calmly, “Is there something you need to say to me?”
“YES!” They snarled, seething, spitting.
And we walked away together. We found ourselves on a snowy mountain ridge in the sunlight, inside a gold and white swirling snow globe next to a construction site.
We talked. We listened. And I woke up with an overwhelming sense of resolve.
I have had a few dreams in the last month or so where I am visited by snakes. To me, these snakes are my demons, fears, and negative emotions and thoughts.
These creatures have taught me to be comfortable with my anger. They have also taught me just how powerful I am. But it’s time for them to leave.
Being able to see cracks in my pelvis helps me immensely in visualizing my wounds related to sexual assault. Trauma stands alone; trauma cannot be compared to trauma, your own nor anyone else’s’. Trauma exists outside of karma. But trauma can be a teacher. The work that I’m able to do from a state of vulnerability is more powerful than all the other ways I have attempted to heal before. It seems almost impossible to intentionally jump into an intense healing process, because it can be excruciatingly hard work. And it’s painful. And it isn’t pretty. But it is beautiful.
All of the right people have come into my life since the accident, and as challenging as all of this is, I am so happy.
When I first arrived on island, I had a conversation with a friend about unconditional love. While I do not feel capable of loving every person unconditionally, I have come to appreciate the Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness- Ho’oponopono.
In any order, you say to yourself and your challenges the following:
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
To my demons,
I’m sorry- for the struggles you’ve endured that led you to a place where you became capable of dark things. For the ways this impacted you that you did not foresee. For closing you out- it was the only way I knew how to protect myself.
Please forgive me- for not knowing the best ways to react to your darkness. For creating more upset by not communication.
Thank you- for teaching me so much about my own power. For keeping your distance.
I love you. I really do. And I wish you the strength to confront your own demons. I wish you compassion. I wish you healing. I wish you clarity.
I am no longer going to rape myself with each thought of you.
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