I have had many mixed emotions upon returning home, and it’s not as I imagined it would be. I had fantasized about coming home refreshed, at peace within myself, and motivated to live a better, more conscious life, excited to share my stories with my friends and family.
But I’m not as enthusiastic as I thought I would be. I’m actually quite melancholy.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as my plane landed in the Sacramento California Airport on Monday. I was excited to see my family who waited for me at the gate, but I was also experiencing a deep sense of remorse that had began to bubble up from inside my core. Along my journey home, I slowly began to succumb to culture shock to life outside of the Camino.
In the security line at the airport, I noticed a man’s sweater sleeve had been dragging on the conveyer belt behind my backpack. As soon as I picked it up and began to put it back into its respective tray, the man said firmly, “Excuse me, that’s mine.”
For some reason, this shook me. I wanted to cry.
I had been living on the Camino for three months where everything was shared: sleeping spaces, food, clothing, first aid supplies, cups of coffee, conversation, friendships… I was not looking forward to returning to a society of separation and hostility.
Another wave of culture shock hit me as I received my first parking ticket, the novelty of being a person who drives again, and carries a small purse rather than a 20 pound backpack. I do, however, have a new appreciation for all that I do have here at home. The simple things I took for granted before are now so luxurious.
But I can’t shake this inescapable feeling of isolation and remorse. I made some decisions along my Camino that have negatively influenced my personal life back home and hurt people that I care about. I feel as though my homecoming is not exactly a celebration, but a process of cleaning up the fallout of my actions while I was away, and trying to set things right again. I have faith in this healing process, and I know that soon I can look back and fully appreciate all that I’ve learned on my journey, the good and the bad. 
In the meantime, I am really thankful for all that the Camino has taught me. I learned how outgoing, independent, and adventurous I could be, though some of my actions revealed very ugly parts of me that I never knew or wanted to know existed. I think one of the biggest lessons I am still learning is that the only thing limiting myself is me, and my own doubts and worries (this lesson is even harder to implement into practice when now surrounded by old environments and habits). Another lesson I learned is to always always always remember to be kind with my words and my actions, to live from my heart, and to be direct and honest with how I’m feeling- qualities I want to embody within myself and in my life.
What I am learning now is how to be gentle with myself: sleeping more, eating nourishing foods, nursing a small stress injury in my left foot, trying to think positive thoughts and let go of negativity that isn’t serving me. 
Though the present moment is difficult and bittersweet, I know everything will get better with time. I know that just because one journey has passed, nothing has ended- the next opportunity for adventure can manifest itself at any given moment. One day I will return to Europe, and I’ll walk the Camino to Santiago again.
Thank you to all who have been reading and listening.
xoxoxo
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