Today’s field trip consisted of two 3rd grade classes, one of which was supervised by a substitute teacher. During the composting workshop, that I was leading, two students had a conflict in which one hit the other with a stick. No adults actually witnessed the events to my knowledge, but the tour guide, another intern, checked in with the students, seeing they were clearly upset. Once he did this, the substitute teacher jumped in and began shaming the girl who had picked up the stick. No questions were asked, no hearing both sides of the story, just an angry tone of voice laying on a thick guilt trip to an eight year old, making her cry. The teacher didn’t stop there. She proceeded to loudly repeat how the girl was feeling really guilty, which was why she was hiding behind her hands crying. As they were leaving the work shop, the woman began speaking to me, repeating the shaming of the girl, that she was feeling guilty, and asked why she even picked up the stick in the first place. She was wanting me to validate her actions, to agree that her public shaming of this girl, for picking up a stick, was a just response to the whole incident. I did not provide what she was fishing for.
The way this woman spoke and behaved to not just this girl, but to many other students in the class, hung in stark contrast to the communication techniques practiced at GRuB. One of the guidelines, to which I have referred several times, is “No blaming or shaming of self or others.” I was truly in shock by this woman’s cruelty to these children who were curious and playful. Of course children fight and sticks may fly, but crushing this girl for picking up a stick, appears to me to be an unproductive and in fact detrimental technique for dealing with he situation. It has the potential to squash a girls curiosity, voice, playfulness, and joy. It is punishment like that, that leads adults like myself to need to do personal work to reconnect with my inner child, my true self.
I’ve begun reading a book called Nonviolent Communication, in which the author instructs and demonstrates an alternative form of communication than what most of us have grown up hearing. It shows one how to express one’s feelings, needs and requests in a way that does not blame, attack or demand anything of another person. Additionally, it shows us that receiving the messages of others with our ears and hearts tuned to listen for the underlying feelings and needs of others, can help prevent the cycle of defensiveness that is so prevalent in our society, and leads to healthier relationships.
I wished I was more well versed in this form of communication, to engage the teacher in a dialog about why I do not support her actions. I wish I had done more to defend the little girl and encourage her. I want to be able to experience a shocking interaction like this one, and manage to sift through the language to hear what it was the teacher and girl were feeling and needing in that moment— to be able to hold each in equal value and space, and facilitate conflict resolution if need be. I know I am far from being able to navigate such a situation to my desired outcomes, and I know that recognition of the behaviors is the first step in transforming my own communication habits.
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