At 4pm I found myself sitting on a fence of stone next to a patch of wild flowers. Greg Brown played through my earbuds as I gazed at the landscape: freshly tilled soil from the tractor at work, and grass spread over plots of farmland, the tops of white buildings of Portomarín in the distance. It reminded me of drives home from work during the hot summer months in California.
“Help me help me help me make it through this funky day”
I peeled an orange with my freshly cut fingernails, and watched the small droplets of citrus spray out and catch a ride in the light wind. The warm sun had colored the backs of my hands a shade darker than the rest of my arm, covered by the sleeves of Ariel’s shirt that she had left with me.
I finished the orange and dug into my bag of mixed nuts, realizing I was hungrier than I thought I was. My chapped lips stung from the salt as I noticed shadows on the pavement from the birds of prey circling overhead. I watched one swoop down to the grass, its talons outstretched. It retreated into the air again, with nothing in its grasp.
Today felt strange walking through huge crowds of people on the trail. I saw buses unload groups of at least fifty people at a time. The cafes at small pueblos along the way were packed, the lines atrociously long- thankfully I had packed a lunch and snacks for the day. Though everyone seemed to be very happy and energetic and friendly, I couldn’t help but feel frustrated and annoyed for most of the day. My time for peaceful solitude on the trail has passed. I used to be alone for miles without seeing other pilgrims, and now there is barely elbow room. We are like a trail of ants filed one after the other. I can only see this increasing as we get closer and closer to Santiago.
But I realized, sitting there on the rock today, that being frustrated is ultimately pointless, and being attached to something that once was and no longer is is the root of my suffering. I came to the Camino to learn to let go, to learn to become more open hearted, and to cultivate rainbows. Today I found myself racing for the first time- not against other people, but against myself and my own ego. I wasn’t in the flow, and I wasn’t in harmony with myself, or with my body. I was fighting when I needed to surrender.
It is honestly incredible that so many people are here, walking the Camino, regardless of their reasons for being here or where they started. What I keep forgetting to remember, something that continues to limit me from communion, is that we are all one and the same. Any degree of separation between me and another pilgrim is a complete fabrication of the ego. We are all one family here.
I had similar feelings of frustration start to well up on my way into Sarria, until I met Jan. Funny enough, she’s from San Francisco, and her daughter attended Evergreen! What a small and funny world this is. She had recently retired from her rewarding and soul filling career as a language and reading teacher for young children, and had such a pleasant and kind energy. Talking to her was like a breath of fresh air. Her compassionate spirit was truly an inspiration for me to keep opening up to others with courage and kindness.
I am thankful for today, though it was definitely one of the more challenging days. Santiago lies just four days ahead, but I feel as though it will be just a signpost. The journey continues on from there- there is no true destination, only precious, beautiful, crazy moments.
Post a Comment