uncompass

Action shot of me running up to the cross where you leave the item you have been carrying that represents your burdens.

I have been trying for quite a while now to write up a good blog post but I haven’t been able to get the words quite right. Nothing I say seems to do this experience justice. Life just feels sweet and warm. Like when you are at home and wake up to the sun shining on your bed and you feel safe and cozy and know that everything is going to be okay. That is how I always feel. Full of love and warmth.

It’s a little overwhelming sometimes. Someone will do something kind for no reason at all or I will be surrounded by people who are so wonderful and I wonder why I get to live like this. I don’t deserve this. I hope the people I am with know how happy I am to be in their company. I don’t think I express that enough.

I can’t seem to stop laughing. I feel so ridiculous sometimes.

It’s a bit funny to me how much influence the people I am with have had on this experience. This was the last thing I was expecting to happen. I remember a conversation I had with Brian back in León when we were sitting in front of the fountain, and we talked about how people go into experiences expecting to learn one thing and end up learning something completely different. Life is such a strange and unpredictable thing.

I just think of waking up to Cooper singing Shakira in his weird goofy voice. Aaron beat-boxing in his sleep and randomly busting out in song and dance all the time. The quiet, curious man raking the path in front of his home after a motorcyclist revved his engine and kicked rocks everywhere. Paul kissing my cheek after a few too many beers and asking me in the middle of the night if I am happy. Waking up to sleepy laughter and sweet good morning texts from the one that I love. Izzy cooking dinner for everyone and doing the dishes just because. Brian giving me a hug after not seeing me for a day and saying “I really missed you, kiddo.” Jackson’s post about wanting to be remembered as a good and gentle man. He is so funny and calming. Evan’s crazy EMT stories and constant obliviousness to everything. Piling into a cramped room and telling stories and laughing and opening up and just simply being.

If there’s anything that I’ve learned on this trip, it’s that I really, really love people.

I have been thinking a lot about my family lately. I really miss them. I had this moment yesterday where I was walking alone and looked up and saw the mountains surrounding me and just got really overwhelmed. I felt like the luckiest person in the world, and I wished that I could share this with them. I thought about my dad and how he always wanted to travel the world, and how he is kind of stuck in a life that he doesn’t want to be living right now. I hope he manages to get out someday and do the things he’s always wanted to do. I haven’t seen him in over a year and I really miss him. I hope I get to see him sometime soon. I thought about my mom and how excited and proud she was when I told her that I was going to be doing this. She has always been so supportive and encouraging. She’s a really good mom and I have not been a good daughter to her. I feel very sorry for that. I hope she knows how great I think she is and I hope that one day she will travel the world and own a bakery and live in a tiny home in a peaceful place. She’s always wanted that. I wish my sister was with me and could see this. She deserves to be here so much more than I do. She has been through so much and is the toughest person I know. I really miss her; she’s the best friend I could ever ask for. She would be so happy to be doing this. I thought about my nephew and how much hope I have for him. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I love him. He’s going to grow up to be such a beautiful person. I hope when he is older he knows that he saved Amara’s life. They all have saved mine.

I can’t believe I’ve already been in Europe for over a month. It’s all been a bit of a blur. Time seems to work a little differently out here. The days feel so long and full but they are all just combining into one big jumble. I’m okay with that though. I have decided to quit desperately searching for the answers and allowing everything to just be. I miss everything that is right in front of me otherwise. All of this has always been right there. Paulo Cuehlo wrote that “I have walked so many miles to discover things I already knew, things that all of us know but are so hard to accept” and he is absolutely correct.

I’m sorry that this post is so jumbled and doesn’t make much sense. This is a different way of life, and it’s not one that can easily be made sense of or explained. My mind has been very busy lately.

I love this simplicity and I love these people. I am so, so happy to be here.