Reflection 4

June 1: I had a tough day that day, everything felt stale, nothing went right. I got off work at 9 at night, I didn’t feel like going home, I felt awful, I thought about walking to the dam, I didn’t feel like going. I walked passed my house, to a park not far away. There was a swing set, I swung. It was the first time I could take a deep breath in two weeks, I needed to not feel my stomach, not feel my feet. I had an honest conversation with myself.

I thought about a lot, but I also thought about birds, if I could be any animal it would be a bird, because they can fly? because they don’t have to feel their stomach? probably. Lately, the only time I don’t feel turmoil (stress) in my stomach, is when I’m on my bike, or swinging. The only time I can think straight. Maybe I just like wind?

I didn’t want to get off the swing, I was worried about touching the ground, feeling my feet. I did, I threw up, I walked to the dam, I felt relaxed, I felt sad, I felt relieved, I don’t care about this place, I care about my home, I care about Olympia.

My problem with place, I feel to find a place, is to claim something, I don’t want to claim something, I don’t want to feel attached, I don’t want to lose anything.

The water will rise, I’d rather lose one journey than the destination. I’d rather not have a destination to lose… No, I’d rather not have a losing destination.