self eval

While at evergreen and before my general outlook has been pretty negative. I always thought: oh no, I can’t get into a good college, I have to feel bad because I am suppose to. Winter quarter at Evergreen was one of my biggest trails of maximum suffering. I had barely any social life, I did minimum school work and had minimum things. While on the camino I have decided that I am over it. I am going home and living with my friends. I am going to community college so I can go somewhere where I actually want to. In a way the camino was like a suffering version of heroin. It was real quick and very intense. I spent weeks by myself with no people and no good food. I was in lots of pain every step I took. If the hostels didn’t have blankets I would sleep in the cold. I learned my suffering must end as soon as I get home. The only gains I make from this suffering is it distracts me from the fact that I am not satisfied with my life. These distractions are also just like heroin. They are a temporary fix to a problem. The camino taught me it’s time to do what I want and it’s not going to be easy. The walk was not easy but I completed it. It was only the first step though. The camino was mindless and robotic to complete but my future education won’t be. It will be harder, but unlike the camino, I will be surrounded by much more joy. I would like to believe that this joy will make the more studious work easier done. On the other hand, I learned a lot about religion. I had thought about becoming jewish while I walked. I listened to the old testament for hours a day, it was a good story but I did not agree with a lot that was said. It was too outlandish. For example, when the jews pray to an ox, God is so mad that he wants to kill all the jews. Moses has to convince him to not murder his beloved people. I decided I did not want to become jewish so I read an introduction to the Koran. Turns out I disagree with the Koran even more than the old testament. While on the camino, a catholic pilgrimage, I tried to dip my toes into two different religious. I realized neither were for me.

plant murder

The amount of ivy is quite startling on the trail. Another one of my pass times was pulling at ivy. When I would be really tired I could find the biggest ivy vine and tear at it. I felt like it was a positive thing to do, just maybe give the tree some brief relief. On the other hand a large amount of time was spent slicing through tall plants. It was an evil activity but I was addicted. I would throw rocks to take down big stalked plants but I always would miss. My biggest enemy was this one specific invasive euphorbia but I only found it a couple times. I would get my dagger sticks and just take out poor harmless weeds while walking. If i disnt have a weaponized stick, then I would use my broken feet to kick at a plant.

The physical weight of a camera

I have a camera that I have brought along with me. I like the idea of an actual camera because I feel like it makes pictures more important. I feel like people see a real camera and take more time to prepare themselves than if someone is taking a picture of them with a phone. I did not use it as much as I would have liked. It was just so awkward to carry it, I did not like to carry a fanny. I would occasionally carry it on my shoulder straps but it started to mess up the shudder because it was so tight. The pictures I did take with the camera were generally much better than using my phone. Not only the quality of the actual photograph, but in general I would spend more time thinking about the picture. I constantly wanted to ship the camera home, I always thought about how heavy it was. In the end I don’t know what the right answer is going to be. I really want to take some pictures of morocco with it. I have this goodwill painting in my room of a moroccan market place and that’s the picture that I want on that camera.

Destruction of life

The amount of ivy is quite startling on the trail. Another one of my pass times was pulling at ivy. When I would be really tired I could find the biggest ivy vine and tear at it. I felt like it was a positive thing to do, just maybe give the tree some brief relief. On the other hand a large amount of time was spent slicing through tall plants. It was an evil activity but I was addicted. I would throw rocks to take down big stalked plants but I always would miss. My biggest enemy was this one specific invasive euphorbia but I only found it a couple times. I would get my dagger sticks and just take out poor harmless weeds while walking. If i disnt have a weaponized stick, then I would use my broken feet to kick at a plant.

The four shoes of the camino

First, I had this terrible pair of altras called Timps. They were probably good shoes but I had so many injuries in them. My heel had some sweet tendinitis in them, then my knees started to shit out, then my hip started to cause me pain. I then switched to the most popular evergreener camino sandal. The xero sandal was alright, it did not cause me pain like the altra did but there was no comfort in them. The shoe is basically straps on a ⅛ inch piece of plastic. My heels would get bruised everyday after walking but at least I could walk. As soon as I would put on my altras, my feet would hurt. Next, I bought a pair of La Sportivas, a popular european shoe. They were purely average, they were normal shoes. I liked them well enough. I started walking slow and short days, 10-15 ks at a time. Soon, I could walk normal stages with real minimum pain. The rest of the people I was with still had some injuries so I eventually parted ways. The next two shoes were some normal flip flops, I had given my xeros away, and to replace the flip flops a pair of crocs. I think that flip flops are uncomfortable and unstylish. The fashionable replacement were still not comfortable. The crocs I got were multiple sizes too small, so I made some modifications. I cut the backs off and stretched the straps real far. They still suck but at least they look cool.

Mountain baseball

I do not like walking sticks but I love sticks. I like sticks for wacking rocks. I would find a nice curved stick that would barely touch the ground and hit rocks like golf balls while I walked. A stick with easy bark to rip off was a great way to pass time. Once all the bark except the handle was off it would look like a sword. As I listened to lord of the rings, I would twirl it for hours pretending to be one of the fellowship. Sometimes a big stick would resemble Gandalfs staff and a little stick would be one of the hobbits knives. I did not like to use a stick to walk with because it would make me walk unevenly and eventually cause a limp. I think that using my stick caused my limp to get worse and worse. I would go through maybe two sticks a day once I stopped walking with them and only wacking. Picking up rocks in the hospital route on the primitivo and hitting them over the steep mountain sides was a fantastic experience. I was tired and thinking about something that made me anxious. It was a great way to release some of the pent up energy.

to till or to not till

A lot of the vineyards in Rioja are divided into lines instead of being complete. I am talking about tilling vs not tilling. When you till it cuts the roots connecting vines to each other. The mycorrhizae are what makes trees in the forest talk. They connect all the roots to each other. When vineyards are tilled then they are connected to the row but not the entire vineyard. Another problem was lack of cover crops. Cover crops are a good replacement for tilling. Instead of taking the connection away, it is increased. There are many cover crops for different purposes. For example legumes are a popular one as they reduce runoff and erosion. They out compete the weeds and use less water. If there is a healthy cover crop it means that there is no need for herbicides. Reduced runoff and reduced use of herbicides means not as much bad shit in our water! With no tilling and cover crops the insect population will return and reach an equilibrium. The bugs will eat each other and the number of invasive insects such as leafrollers will be reduced. This means now we are not using pesticides. Good native cover crops seed themselves and only need to be planted once. The bugs will maintain themselves. The vineyard is now a holistic and a happy place!

Playing pretend

I had been walking for 4-5 days with very little human contact when I walked into a restaurant and was invited to dinner. It was strange, I had been thinking very deeply about how I wanted to behave and think differently that I had been. When talking to people it was all instantly forgotten. I talked and acted like I always had and did not even realize it till the next day. I think the way I wanted to be was only possible in my head. It was incredibly boring because what I had in mind was basically only listening because the only reason I want to tell a story is because it would change how someone thinks about me. I wanted to not do anything that was related to changing peoples perspective of me. After the dinner I still tried to change how I am but two weeks was not enough. I eventually had to retreat away from my brain and listen to lord of the rings all day everyday. Days and days of silent thinking had gotten to me. Lord of the rings was beautiful. The hiking they were doing made what I was doing seem so great as I would pretend I was part of the fellowship.